Find It

Although most of the homes in my
neighborhood provide a scenic view of the mountain valley, there is one spot
that I like to frequent that is heads above the rest. 

I make sure I stop there, sometimes more
than once, on the route I take during my jogs.  At this point, only one home
has been built on this tucked away circle, and because of that, I get to enjoy
the gift of an almost 360 degree view of the rugged mountains, the striking
blue sky, and the homes and lights and hustle and bustle  below.  To be honest,
sometimes knowing that this peak will be my destination makes the hard work of
running worth it. 

As I climb to the top each time, my
elevated heart rate seems to calmly slow.  My breathing becomes deeper.  I
ascend to the highest part of the street, covered in sage brush and sporadic
wild flowers and a peace flows over me.  In a literal, but also figurative and
deeply meaningful way, I feel each time as if I am on top of the world. 

I don’t stay long.  I don’t need to.  I
will be back.  I just need a moment.

What is interesting to me is that this
same view is afforded in many areas much closer to my home.  In places that
take much less effort.

But there is something about the effort of
finding it.   Something about the journey to that place, right at the end of
the road, or around the corner, or up the hill, that makes the destination
somehow more magical.

Take the opportunity today to make the
effort to find beauty.  It may be in your own backyard.  It may be on your
drive to work.  It may not even be a place.  It may be in the sweet laughter of
your pudgy baby or in the wrinkled smile of your grandmother.  But it is all
around you.  Find it.

Life wasting….

 

I am in a bit of a funk.  I have been in more than a bit of a funk before, so I know this one will end, but while I am in it, I am struggling with myself a bit. 

 

I have been sick this past week, and have spent the greater part of the past five days in bed.  I have a little bit of a love/hate relationship this beloved piece of furniture at the moment.  One part of me remembers that in the throes of a difficult day with a houseful of kids, I often daydream about the time when I might be able to lounge in bed and rest all day.  Not with some awful condition, just something like pink eye or laryngitis or something that would still allow me to enjoy the dreaminess of nothingness.  So I could read a book.  Or watch a romantic movie.  Or stare at the dust on my ceiling. 

 

But when it comes down to it, in a houseful of screaming and needy children, if I am actually in my bed…that means I am rather sick and either sleeping or wishing I was sleeping.  And that only lasts for a few days and then at which point my mind starts racing again with the things I want to….or at least should get done. I need to get out of this bed.  I know there are bills by the computer that someone needs to pay attention to.  The mountain of laundry is soon going to need a Sherpa to come deal with.  And I just can’t walk into the living room and be at peace with the clothes and toys and books strewn across the floor.  But I also can’t walk into the living room without feeling the room spin and my heart race.  So I love my bed.  And hate it all at the same time.

 

For whatever reason, this predicament I am in vaguely reminds me of months I spent feeling awful during my pregnancies.  Particularly the “no end in sight” feeling.  I do know that pneumonia will go away, but it sure isn’t happening in a hurry.  And we are used to 12-48 hour kind of bugs around here.  So the thought of hopping out of bed at 6am, scurrying all the kids off to school – lunch bags and completed homework in hand by 8:45, running to the gym to do a class, running errands, coming home to make lunch, clean up the house, put the kids to nap, take care of some chores, read with the preschooler, be ready to tackle homework when the big kids come home, run to gymnastics, eat dinner, do baths and get bed is absolutely….not…happening right now.  (Luckily, Dad is home and the kids are off track, so this was truly a good week to get sick.)

 

But what it reminds me of too, is that somehow, very sadly, I allowed precious parts of my life to be wasted while I allowed myself to wish away days and weeks and months of uncomfortable and difficult pregnancies.  I remember during each pregnancy that I had many thoughts about how I might handle something much more permanent and miserable – a debilitating disease of some sort.  The answer always was a resounding….I don’t think I could handle that.  Which, of course then added to my pathetic spiral downward. 

 

Luckily, I am not in that place today.  Luckily, through many trials in my life, I have come to choose to believe that, indeed, I could be strong enough to handle that. 

 

But what makes me sad is that when I look back at pictures of my children and myself and events that took place during these darker times in my life, I am left with a pit in my stomach.  It brings back a haunting sense of emptiness.  I have come to realize, that through those difficult times of wishing time, and essentially life, away, I am left with empty holes. 

 

This makes me wonder then, when at any point in our lives, no matter if we are struggling, or just anxiously looking forward, if we are still leaving this particular moment empty.

 

The upside to this terrible thought?  My sweet mother-in-law who took time to call me this morning from South Africa to check on me had some very sage words of advice.  Let me preface her comments though.  Many of you know her, but for those of you who don’t, I must say that she (in my opinion) hasn’t always been dealt with the easy hand in life.  But she, more than anyone I know, refuses to do anything but see the good in a situation.  She is Mrs. Rose Colored Glasses.  I am clearly not and occasionally this does cause me to disagree with her, but hopefully not enough that I haven’t learned from her.  So…my point is, when good advice is given by her, it is gold. 

 

This morning she told me (as I whined and moaned about how I really should get up and clean something) that “there is no point in doing something twice.  You are just going to do it again when you feel better.”  Now why is that such a big deal you ask? (And your next question is….and does that apply to making my bed?)

 

Because.  What in the world is the point of me sitting in my bed worrying about something stupid like what we need to get from Costco when I should just be finding a way to take care of myself?  To enjoy reading in my bed with my 5 year old?  To let my daughter brush my nasty unwashed hair?  Letting my husband have time to play with the kids.  Letting my neighbors bring me dinner so they can feel like they are serving me.  I’m ok with that.  (After having it pointed it to me 17 times.)

 

And how much of our lives do we spend living something more than once? How many hours and days do you spend getting ready for Christmas?  How many hours do you spend fretting over an upcoming lesson you are teaching?  How many times have you gone over and over in your mind something that you have regretted?  Why do we spend so much time living in our minds times that are Not Right Now.

 

I am ok to not waste this day wishing for another. 

 

I pick today.  In my bed. 

Speaking of Glitter….

I have had glitter on my face for days.  But when I look in the mirror, I can’t see it to get it off.  It’s just this slight irritating shimmer I see every now and again on my nose or cheek that I can’t quite seem to brush off.

 

A week ago, I left my older children at home with my husband while I made a trip to the airport to get my parents.  Before I left, my artsy-craftsy daughter asked if she could get the glitter out of the art closet and work on a project for her grandma.  This particular child is very creative and like her mother, very messy.  Well, I left the house, a little timid about my choice, but made the foolish decision to just trust that she would clean up after herself appropriately. 

 

About an hour later, I got a phone call from my husband saying, “just remember, you were the one who told the kids they could use glitter.” 

 

This didn’t sound good.   There were no details given, but I have had ominous phone calls like this before, and it quickly set my imagination into motion, my mind’s eye seeing what I might face when I got home. 

 

Now for this portion of the story, just imagine that three (not one, like I had give permission to) young, energetic and creative children were given free reign over your kitchen (not the craft table where I had asked her to work) and then given 4 large containers of glitter (oh, and some glue) and then they most likely, based on the looks of the kitchen, threw the glitter around in handfuls as if it were Mardi Gras.  My sweet husband who had worked too many 5am shifts at this point had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch while this parade of craftiness was occurring but is brilliant enough to have woken up and most likely like a bear after hibernation growled out cleaning instructions probably involving threats.

 

So they “cleaned.”  Probably….no possibly….to the best of their ability.  But let me tell you, that when I got home there was a fine layer of this stuff everywhere.  Not exaggerating.  Countertops, table, chairs, sinks, floor, kitchen bench, both kitchen sinks, even in the salad I had made for dinner before I left.  I was absolutely ridiculous.  Not in the funny ridiculous sort of way. And as I sit in my kitchen a week later, I literally cannot turn around without seeing it all over the surface of everything I see, despite much cleaning on my part.

 

What isn’t still there is my extreme frustration with my children (at least regarding this topic!).  Luckily.  That first night, I was not willing to let it go.  She asked what we were having for dinner.  My answer…glitter.  She asked about dinner the next night.  My answer…glitter.  What would we be doing with grandma and grandpa the next day?  Cleaning glitter.  I was ticked with a capital “t” and I was going to let everyone know about it. 

 

A week later?  Slightly annoyed.  Mostly embarrassed.  Mostly because the most amazing women in the world –aka the girls who clean my house – are coming soon and there is NO way they won’t wonder what in the world happened here.

 

Back to the glitter on my face…..I have showered approximately seven times since this incident and somehow I am aware that it still lingers on my face somewhere.  In all honesty, it probably isn’t, but I have set my mind up to see these shiny flecks everywhere I turn. 

 

Which makes me wonder….what other things in my life to do I see everyone I look?  What might I even see even though it isn’t there.  I know that for me, there are moments of obsession with certain pertinent issues that I am facing and no matter what I do to not “see” it all day long, it glimmers everywhere I look.  I have fought battles in my mind over jealousy, anger, sadness, frustration, being offended….and despite my best efforts to gather those feelings up and place them on a shelf, I can’t collect all of those emotions and clean them up.  And they show up everywhere. 

 

I’m gonna have glitter around here for a dang long time.  I don’t think there is any amount of cleaning that is going to get every little piece they sprinkled around my kitchen.  An annoying reminder of something I don’t want in my life.  A hint at the fact that whatever I do, life just doesn’t clean up pretty all the time.

 

Only one real solution here.  A change in the way I see it.  It’s time to see the glitter as a blessing that my daughter loves to be creative, not a reminder that she is a holy messy disaster.  And the glimmering things that are the true messiness of my life….a little trickier, but still can be tolerable with a change of heart.  Sadness over a difficult relationship with someone that I come in contact with daily can truly be gratefulness that the relationship even exists.  Frustrations over still having our name on a house that we don’t live in and yet drive by multiple times a day can be a reminder of all of the sweet lessons we have learned during this experience. 

 

I can’t say that this change of heart makes everything beautiful.  It can make it tolerable.  And the consistency of seeing those annoying pieces of shiny stuff everywhere we turn also reminds us that yes, we may not be able to clean it up, but our Heavenly Father can and learning to think of Him and rely on Him often brings a sense of comfort amidst chaos.  I know He won’t clean up my kitchen floorboards, but He can help me to have the patience to endure it and find the sparkle that is there.  Right there on the end of my nose so that I sure can’t forget about it…..

 

Speaking of which…..just found out about some shimmery lipstick on my couch…..seriously?

Finding Your Fortune

Amidst the football watching and stuffing oneself with food, it is also a tradition on New Year’s in my husband’s family to pluck a balloon and a fortune cookie off of the Christmas tree.  The balloon contains a dollar for each of the family members.  The fortune cookie contains, of course, your fortune for the year.  Although all the kiddos want is the cookie, I enjoy listening to the messages found inside and find it interesting that so many of us seem to choose ones off the tree that are applicable to our lives.  For instance…mine read….

“You shouldn’t overspend at the moment.   Frugality is important.”

My dear brother-in-law was quick to tell me that this fortune was PERFECT for me.  He ended that with “good luck.”  He didn’t sound hopeful for my ambition of being frugal.

Let’s be honest.  I wasn’t 100% sure that this is the fortune that I wanted.  I know I need to be more frugal and this is the time of year that after all of the holiday spending, my husband gets anxious for us to redo our budget.  I get cranky, once again realizing that 99.87% of our spending is done by me.  I break down and tell him that I can’t stand being responsible anymore and that he needs to be the one to pay the bills and buy all of the necessities.  At which point he agrees but reminds me that he will only buy items on the grocery list (I can live with that) and that our children will have ugly clothes that don’t match (not so much).  Then I remember that I can suck it up and be disciplined – I have done it many times before and that this will be the year that perfect system in which I really don’t have to keep track of things physically (receipts, etc) will be invented while I keep track of our spending and we will pay off all of our debt, meanwhile shopping only sales, increasing our savings, and becoming financially independent.  And then February comes.  The point is, we try, right? 

So as the evening went on, I was sure to tuck away my children’s fortunes in order to ponder over later.  And then when that wasn’t quite enough, I decided to pluck random fortunes that were tossed aside off the floor.

Now is a good time for a new collection or hobby.

Remember three months from this date.  Good things are in store for you.

You are imaginative in using your skills.  Apply this next week.

The current year will give you much happiness.

You will find beauty in ordinary things.  Appreciate this gift.

Use your charm and personality to obtain your wishes.

A cheerful letter or message is on its way to you.

Big dreams will bring you into a profitable venture.

This year your highest priority will be your family.

 

While digging around the floor, I questioned my foolishness.   Why collect fortunes?  Was I just curious?  Was I looking for the one I wanted the most?  Could I just find my fortune? 

And while reading and rereading these, I realized the supreme brilliance behind the Wise Fortune Cookie Fortune Teller (you know, the one that you have to make a two week journey up the side of the mountain in a torrential storm to visit).  Every fortune I read (almost) could absolutely apply to me.  Could inspire me.  Could make me wonder.  Could light a little spark in my heart.  What if I want them all?  Was it possible?  Certainly!  I just eat all the cookies off all the tree….that makes them all “mine” and I am then worthy of having all of these blessings, right?

Of that I am not certain.  What I am certain of though is the way that you can indeed find your fortune.  You can seek and find the goodness you desire in your life.  Maybe not exactly the way you’d like, but I have lived enough years to know that there is no reason whatsoever that you can’t grab on to a mantra, a desire, a goal, a fortune, a word even that YOU choose to shape your future.  So much hope in that idea. 

With Glittering Eyes

I feel as if I must get this started with an explanation.  For a while now, I have been wanting to find a platform for working on writing some things that aren’t necessarily things I want to write about on my Welcome to the Party Blog.  I have been wanting to experiment with some ideas.  Wanting to find a way to share different ideas with different people.  Play around with some of my pictures and just have a different tone.  Basically, I want to write two books at once.  You know how you may be reading a murder mystery thriller, a biography about Jane Austen, a book for church and Cosmo all at the same time?  Ok, maybe not, but I am wanting to write things at once.  And most likely only I will notice the difference, and possibly posts will end up on both blogs, who knows. 

Now a word about the glittering eyes. 

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

This is a quote by one of my favorite and most brilliant authors, Roald Dahl.  I have to be completely honest in saying that it comes from a book that I have not read….

Seriously, Roald Dahl has the most amazing way with words.  And there is much inspiration to be found in his works, but this quote really touches me.

Many of you know that I have a son with “shiny eyes.”  This is how I have described him since he was a tiny baby.  There is just something different about his eyes.  I think some of it may have to do with the shape of his eyes, but what my gut tells me is that there is something special behind his eyes.  He has a zest for life.  His eyes are his smile and they light up the room.  I have no doubt that he will find much happiness in his life and share much of it with others.  Time and time again, I look at him and remark about his shiny eyes. 

This has made me think quite a bit about what kind of eyes others have.  I know many with eyes that see things through rose-colored glasses.  I know many with eyes that only see despair and injustice.   Many eyes who see past what is right in front of them.  Eyes that are focused.  Eyes that only focus on the past.

And then I found this quote a while back and started wondering about glittering eyes.  What this is to me is having eyes that are willing.  Eyes that are wise and can find truth.  Eyes that are willing to take risks.   Eyes that are believing, but not foolish.  Ones that are not pretending, but seeking out what is most real.  Eyes that are accepting and willing to love and be loved.  Eyes that find deep contentment.

So this is what I want to explore in my “book.”  Beauty and magic and honesty and wisdom.  Join me.